i have this fren who insists that if i slim down a little, wear my hair a certain way, put on makeup, get rid of my dark eye circles, i'd look exactly like charlotte from 'sex and the city'... "so sweet.... adorable.... pretty.... and sexy too!" (exactly her words!) hmm... really ar??
what do u all think? ;)
'borrowed' this out from biow's blog... (seemes like i'm always 'borrowing' stuff from her blog! hehehe...)
these are the stuff i made for her in our younger days... with that, i mean in our secondary school days lar... we would see each other for kote' practice practically EVERY sunday, and yet we still write letters to each other. REAL hand-written letters mind u, with real papers n envelopes n stamps n stuff. we even have those really nice letter pads with matching envelopes... hehehe... so we'll include these little-little stuff we made in our letters... hmm... i must go back home n rummage thru my 'treasure box' to look for the stuff she sent me. i'm sure i still have it, coz i'm not the kind to throw away stuff.
that bookmark with the red japanese gal, i even made the 'background' paper myself! i wanted to make it like those store-bought-and-very-expensive recycled paper, with flower petals 'embedded' into it, so i used the 'bunga kertas' (what's that called in english?) from my mom's garden. kekeke... really crazy. *sigh... those were the days without internet (huh?) and paid tv (u mean like those cable tv they have in US?). hahaha... no wonder my school results sucks, with all the time spent making these things!
anyway, i was an avid letter-writer last time... i even had a few pen-pals from australia and germany as well as some local ones. hmm... i think pen-pals are a thing of the past in this age of the internet. what a pity... i even became a stamp collector in the process! hehehehe...
hmm... but now, i've not been hand-making anything for years!! i dun even write letters anymore. the only things i actually send off in the mail are store-bought cards n contest forms... that also, i get the dispatcher in my office to help me send it. fast n convenient! kekeke... :Þ
hmm... feeling rather restless now. getting tired with my current job, lost the drive for it oredi. hmmm... could part of it be caused by the embarrassingly low salary? thinking of switching job/career, but where to?? *sigh... so disheartening... nothing interesting in jobstreet. so sien...
first, i'm gonna blog abt my first ice-skating lesson on fri... it was so great!! so happy... well, i think i did ok, considering it was my first time on the ice. learned how to glide, swivel forward n backwards, n twist forward n backwards... anyway, i'm still getting used to the ice n skates... but i think i'm gonna love it, tho' not the muscle-ache after that! hopefully it'll help burn some fat off my tush! hehehe...
then on sat, had a gathering with some of my ex-colleagues from my ex-company... there were 7 of us present, only 2 still in that company. anyway, was really happy to see them. had a good time talking n gossiping... hehehe... i'm the youngest in the bunch, some of them nearing their 40s n are mommies already! but age doesn't seem to get in the way, as we had a really good time. it's nice to have a bunch of frens to act silly with sometimes, regardless of the age gap. i tell myself i'm gonna be like that too when i'm nearing my 40s or whatever age... hehehe... be young at heart!
and at night, was the emcee for that talk i mentioned in my previous blog... didn't go that well, tho', stumbled with a few words... was so nervous! hmm... i hope i'll get more opportunity to do it in the future. would love to contribute whatever i can and at the same time, train my public speaking skills (n nerves!).
then on sunday nite (yesterday lar), i went back to uni for our choir reunion... even tho' i dunno most of the juniors, but it's nice to meet some of the seniors... really brings back fond memories of our choir days last time... we joined the juniors in their practice, tho' we really sounded awful, coz have not been singing since leaving uni. but it was fun! hehehe... had some good laugh!
so... that's my happy weekend briefly! but with so many activities going on, i regret to say that i'm behind in my work... *sigh...
have to change the template of my blog to accomodate the doodle (look at the sidebar)... the previous template dun go so well with it... but doodle is really cool!! hehehe...
gosh... tomorrow night i'm gonna be the emcee for the following public lecture, "The Making of Moderate Islam In Malaysia: A Brief Commentary" at our Wisma Kebudayaan Soka Gakkai Malaysia... *shudder*
i've not done any public speaking since leaving uni and anyway, i dun consider the presentations in uni as 'real public speaking'... so basically, this will be my very first!
worse of all, i've not prepared my script yet!! *double shudder*
saw in the paper today abt the 2 teenage boys who were killed in a road accident... these kinda things always evoke in me a sense of unpredictability of life. life can be snuffed out just like that. one minute u'll be sitting here, checking ur e-mail or laughing at something ur frens said, and the next minute, u'll be dead! *poof* just like that... it's pretty scary... but that's life, i guess...
some of the questions i'll ponder sometimes:
1) what if i die today?
2) would my short years as ME made any difference in anyone's life?
3) what would i have left behind?
4) what would ppl say abt me in my eulogy?
5) would anyone (other than my parents n dear ole bro - coz i KNOW they would) actually cry for me?
6) would i have died satisfied, thinking "hey, that was a good life"?
7) would anyone even think of me once in a while after a few years?
sometimes, seeing that life is so unpredictable, we'll realize that some of the things that seemed really important is not such a big deal after all. does it matter if that colleague in the next cubicle is talking way too loudly on the phone? does it matter if ur body is not at its ideal shape n size? does it matter if u can't afford designer clothes all the time? does it matter if u don't get that bloody raise ur boss's been promising u? *sigh...
i mean, on one hand, ppl keep telling u that u need to plan for ur future, for ur future family, children, life, bla bla bla... but on the other hand, while pursuing all these things, have u really lived? i mean REALLY LIVED??? and while we're at it, what does LIVING really means in its actual sense?
life is such a mind-boggling affair...
look at the gloves i bought for my ice-skating! that's the nicest i can find; the rest are not so nice... so cute hor? now, dun scold abt my spending!! i'm so excited abt the whole skating thingy, tho' up until now, i've not tried it yet... will blog abt my first experience after my first lesson on fri! :Þ
i can't help it ok??? been having dreams of him most nights now... can't seem to escape from thoughts of him... *sigh... i'm going to sleep now. hopefully no more dreams... btw, can anyone go crazy from missing someone?
well, ever since the break-up, i've been in a turmoil. i must admit that i've been playing with thoughts of getting back together with X. it's really hard to let go... really hard to think that he won't be in my life anymore... that's y i've been holding on... *sigh...
but after some soul searching, i've decided that i don't need this kind of guy to be my bf. i mean, he's not even bf material, for crying out loud! truthfully, he didn't even fit into my 'standard' idea of a bf, let alone the 'ideal' idea of a bf. of all the millions of guys in the world, i have to go and fall for a swine. talk about bad luck! but hey, i don't even believe in luck. talk abt bad karma!
from now on, i'm saving myself for someone who truly deserves me. someone who is worth my love, who has the conscience and integrity to not betray my trust and take advantage of my love. i should not degrade myself and devalue my self-worth in any way by settling for less. i owe myself this much!
i took a love test once and found that my strongest point is compromise. well, never again will i compromise myself. i must first and foremost love myself before loving others, so as not to lose myself to unhealthy obsessions and blind love. no one has the right to make me lose myself!
after this realization, i cried buckets again. *sigh... dunno y, the tears just kept flowing... no, i should say pouring... pray that i remain strong n courageous!
Mr Daisaku Ikeda:
But you must never think you are worthless. No one can substitute for you, who are more precious than all the treasures in the world put together. No matter what your present circumstances, you are irreplaceable.
('borrowed' in part from Biow's blog)
it's one of those days
when u feel so disheartened
at all the things u wanna do,
and change, but can't
it's one of those days
when u just feel like screaming
WHAT AM I DOING HERE??!!
but never get it answered
u'll be asking
are all these really important?
where is the value of it all?
never understanding any of it
u'll feel like giving up
just forget about everything
throw it all away
and stop caring anymore
it's one of those days
when u feel so hopeless
so small and minute
in this vast universe
u'll feel so trapped
in this never ending cycle
turning and turning
never breaking free
it's one of those days
when u know u're going crazy
but there's nothing u can do
other than to succumb to it
it's one of those days...
hmm... my friends and i were discussing abt my break-up, and they asked me what was it that made me like him so much. as usual, i just answered like how i always answer: 'no reason, like means like lar, how i know ar?'
but my friends, being the 'pat' ppl that they are, wouldn't let me off so easily. they said there must be a reason, just that i didn't search for the answers hard enuf. also according to them, uncovering the answers to this mystery will be very important for my next relationship. hmm... maybe they're right.
so after some soul searching, i found that the reason i 'died' in his hands is because of that comfy feeling i get when i'm with him. i'm comfy being who i am with him, no pretends. now, i'm talking abt ME and how i feel when i'm with him, not how he feels when he's with me. that's none of my bloody biz anymore, rite?
anyway, maybe that's the reason why i hurt so much. coz it's like losing myself. hmm... or it could be because the first cut is always the deepest.
hmm... i guess that saying abt love by dunno who is most true:
"i love u not because of who u are, but who i am when i'm with u"
why am i so weak? after everything he's said and done to me, i thought i can now seal my heart off against him. but why am i still being affected by him? one word from him and it can raise my spirits or it can cast me into the deepest despair. *sigh... why?
i nvr thought i'd be this weak. it's scary what someone can do to you. now i understand why there are suicides and other stupid things ppl do for love (or the lost of it). a sane and normal person can suddenly turn into this psycho who stalks his/her X, nvr coming to terms with the break-up. i could never comprehend it before. hmm... but dun worry, i'm not THAT psycho (yet!) ;)
the previous pic has been changed to protect the privacy of parties involved... kekekekeke... no lar... juz wanna remain anonymous... ;)
wow! just heard from JE that our uni choir will be doing a 'reunion practice' end of this month. this should be fun... but at the same time, unsure if i wanna go... i mean, what if i end up being the only 'dinosaur' there? gawd... that'll be so embarrassing!! hmm... better find out who else from my batch is going...
well, at least i'll have something to look forward to, instead of perpetual bleakness...
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
~ Les Miserables
saturday nite and all alone at home. *sigh... it's during times like this that one is most susceptible to fall into depression and wallow in our own sorrow.
without a place
without a friend
without a face
to say hello to
one can't help thinking up nonsense and stupid thots. flashbacks and what-ifs... it's a miracle i've not gone insane yet. my mind is so clustered that all i want to do is to just lie down and sleep a dreamless sleep without ever waking up. but the mind seemed to have gone into hyperactivity and won't grant me the escape of sleep.
in the cloak of nite
dawn seemed a million miles away
just heard from M that after going thru many begs, sms, explanations etc, she's finally gotten the RC to take in just one more recruit. i'm so grateful to her, coz i missed their recruitment and now it's closed.
after leaving uni, i've always wanted to sing again in a choir... but nvr got round to it. now, no matter what, i must stick to it coz it's my passion! i can't keep doing things halfway. looking back, i've abandoned many projects n classes n courses, that i've nvr really mastered any of them... *sigh... but now, i must live up to our kotekitai's motto of 'NEVER GIVE UP'. once an AOP, always an AOP!
now that i'm single again, i suddenly have this new found energy n interests in many things... so u see guys, i'm well on my way to a quick recovery! nvr thot it possible just a few days ago! neeways, other than joining choir, i'm looking into taking up ice-skating. hahaha... i know that's pretty weird, but i dunno... i just felt like doing it.
n other than that, i'm also planning to re-learn my japanese on my own, which i've abandoned since leaving uni. i HOPE to do that on weekends. really a waste to just throw it all away, rite? FIY, i've still not abandoned my hopes to go to japan, so maybe my japanese proficiency would come in handy one day! ;)
hmm... i think all that should keep me pretty bz... considering i'm working 2 jobs! just hope i'll have time left for my leisure readings...
well, a friend told me that blogging can be therapeutic... so thought of giving it a try, tho i'm still unsure abt penning down my musings n thoughts for all to see.
neeways, this past week has been a very emotionally draining one for me. but i'm lucky to have the support of many friends, even tho they're far far away... thanks heaps ppl! u know hoo-yoo r! and dun worry, i'll LIVE! oh yeah, n thank god for technologies! ;)
so now i'm off spending my first weekend in the aftermath... *sigh... guess i'll have to face it alone eventually. ah well, life goes on i guess!
ok, so that's abt all for my first ever blog.
