Monday, October 04, 2004


went for our K convo meet last weekend... glad to see that some of the juniors have really grown (in faith lar...). really happy to b back among them. it really brings back a lot of fond memories of my student days... and being back in the student house always make me miss my doggie :'(

after the meet, went for supper with M and W. had a good talk with them, abt the directions of our careers and life. W seemed to have a very clear objective in life. well, he's always the 'big bro' in our batch, so that's no surprise. as for M, she's resolved to start thinking seriously abt doing her MBA, something she has been putting off for so many years. now, she's really sure that she wants to go into marketing, so she'll look into majoring in marketing for her MBA.

as for me, i'm still blur abt where i'm going. still the lost one. up until now, i've been putting off thinking abt my life, where it's heading, what values am i creating... but now, really have to think abt it. if not, i'll just be drifting along... until one day, i'll realize that i've wasted my life away without achieving anything. i told them that my present job is not what i want to do with my life. i don't want to be doing this thing my whole life. i don't see any value in my current situation. so they asked me what i want. the problem is, i don't know what i want. i just know what i DON'T want.

still on the subject of careers, we touched on the subject of prayers. a lot of leaders told me that i need to have a more specific prayer, to always pray for what you want. but i how can i be specific when i myself don't know what i want? so W told me (very seriously) that my specific prayer would be to have the wisdom to see what i really want. yeah, when i come to think of it, that really makes sense, doesn't it? so stupid to not see that...

so i've given myself a time frame, to search for what i want to do in terms of career. i know that i want to be more involved in gakkai, coz i've been sleeping for so long. but i'm not able to do that coz i'm doing 2 jobs. i really need the extra cash. but at the end of the day, what am i left with? perpetual fatigue, no money, no time, no life. i'm not creating any value with my existance.

sad to say, i've been too caught up in my worldly pursuits, that i've lost sight of many things. that's y i need to go back to my basic point of life: Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. i need to see what is important. here, i'm not saying that earning money is wrong. we're still humans; we need food, clothes, shelter, material stuff... we have our own earthly desires... but in the midst of our pursuits, we need to determine what is valuable and what is not. we can't just follow blindly.

i've been out into the world and seen many things. there are indeed many kinds of people out there. my colleague once said that i'm like a fresh flower, protected in the green house, unaware of all the complexities in the real world. hmm, dunno... maybe she's rite, maybe not. i mean, i know that ppl can be really mean, i know abt the cruelties of life. i'm not ignorant, you know. it's just that i still have faith and hope in the world and in ppl. call me naive, but i believe there is goodness in everyone, no matter how hopeless someone seemed from the outside.

hmm... i'm rambling here. what has this got to do with my career? dunno... just that lately, i've been getting myself more involved in gakkai and seeing the ppl there, their spirit, their whole attitude towards life, it really set me thinking abt a lot of things... abt my life, my career, the ppl around me, society... abt life itself. i must say going back to gakkai, i feel as if i've arrived home. this is where i WANT to belong. pray that i don't go astray again...