Wednesday, October 10, 2007

on turning 30...

this is in response to karen cheng’s post, one of the few ‘stranger’s blogs’ that i frequent. and seeing that i’ll be hitting the big three-oh next year, i thot maybe i should give my take on the topic.

well, i’ve never really thot abt being 30. i mean, i used to think abt being 12, abt being 18 and 21. but who the heck thinks abt turning 30, rite? but i guess it’s sorta like an age-mark for everyone, especially women.

frankly, i don’t feel like i’m anywhere near 30. i still feel like i did when i’m in university. juz the other day, i was telling the housemates that when i go out, i’m still dressing like i did when i went for lecture! in jeans and Ts. and i dun think i look the age too. once, i was stopped by a reporter from sin chew to ask abt my views on a particular topic. and when she asked for my details like name, age etc., she was so shocked to learn that i’m 29. she thot i’m a college kid!

perspectively, i guess i’m a failure for a 30 y/o. i mean, women at 30 r supposed to be matured, with an established career, starting/nurturing a young family, financially independent, full of confidence, adult enough to know what she wants and yet young enough to have the zest and energy to face the challenges of the world, etc.

and then look at me. i dun feel an adult at all. even tho’ i consider myself streetwise, i don’t hold myself well with intellects my own age and i get intimidated easily. and career-wise, what career??? i don’t see where my career is heading, if what i’m doing now can be called ‘career’. my financial state is a haywire with credit-card debt like the black hole, and even tho’ i’m in a relationship, we’re not hearing wedding bells anytime soon… and i’m still not ‘settled’. i’m still running around, pursuing things like ice-skating, music and stuff, instead of seeking self-development such as getting a second degree/master or taking up a course to enhance my resume.

*sigh* will i end up the ‘old aunty’ pursuing youngsters stuff? but then again, y must i conform myself to society’s perception of what’s ‘aunty stuff’ and what’s ‘youngsters stuff’? is there really a clear definite line between the two? take ice-skating, for example. when i first started taking lessons, my colleagues at that time would laugh at me, especially this ‘big sister’, who is abt 8-10 years older than me. she’s quite a modern mom, not aunty at all. but when she heard that i’m taking ice-skating, she would always tease that i’m too old for such things. “lao liao lar (old already lar), still wanna do ice-skating. all ur bones are too stiff liao!” yes, i agree that age is a factor to consider. i’m more afraid of falling down compared to those kids, which made it harder and longer for me to learn the more difficult steps. but it’s something i want to do and it’s not like i’ll be going for the olympics…

i dunno… i dun even know how i feel abt turning 30. so what exactly should i feel differently the morning i wake up as a 30 y/o, compared to the previous night as a 29 y/o? will i suddenly feel wiser? more matured? or maybe feeling blue because i’ve reached the 30th mark without achieving anything great with my life thus far? or suddenly feel my bones going stiff? hehe… but then again, age has never really been anything to me other than numbers marking the duration i’ve been on planet earth. so why should 30 be any different from 29, rite? what’s most important is that i live my life MY WAY.