Sunday, January 23, 2005

is it me???

i wonder y i'm always the target of merciless insults n teasings... maybe it's my way of acting as the clown of the party, or maybe i'm just not serious enough. maybe i should be more serious with ppl, talk less nonsense, reveal less things abt myself...

was at a clg's wedding dinner today n was teased n insulted mercilessly by the very ppl i consider not merely colleagues, but as friends. E even told me, "it's so long since i had the opportunity to 'shoot' someone. when i see u, i'm so happy, coz at last there's someone for me to 'shoot'" i was speechless when i hear her say that. so i'm always the target lar? so i don't have any feelings lar? so everyone can just 'shoot' me all they like lar? so i'm there for everyone to let off all their frustrations lar?

when they were teasing n insulting me just now, i said jokingly that i'd leave since they dun like me/my attitude/my being late. that set them off even more and they launched threats of 'go lar, y are you still here?' n 'u keep saying u wanna leave, but u're still here. how thick is your face?' n 'you really have no principles. if u say u wanna leave, then u should just leave' etc. really sounds like they hate me rite? that's what i believe too... anyway, i really REALLY wanted just stand up and walk off! but i was thinking abt the consequences. how it'll look to the bride n groom. how it'll affect the mood of the whole evening n spoiling C's wedding dinner, since the function was juz beginning. so i clenched my teeth n just sat there, with a smile pasted on my face... i dunno y i even put up with them. i dunno y i think n consider so many things. should've just stood up n go!

thinking back, i've always been the target for bullies. my family members wouldn't believe it, coz i'm the bossy one at home. but with other ppl, i dunno y i'm so useless, letting ppl step all over me. can anyone imagine, when i broke up with X last time, my dad was guessing it's because of me being too fierce n demanding? heck, i was as meek as a lamb! where's the family support here???

feel like just curling up n having a good cry right now. so desolate n morose... as if the whole world's turned its back on me. abandonment. how long can i last in this hostile world?

gawd... i keep falling into depressions, falling again even before i'm out of the previous one. what is wrong with me??? where have all my joy gone? so tired of everything! i'm like lost in a labyrinth of negativity. turning turning turning... is there no end to it all?